I make mention of this great daddy-daughter weekend, not because I thought it would have gone otherwise, but because I think this special relationship is worth noting. Dads and daughters truly have the potential for bringing out the very best in each other. Now, I’m not about to start waxing poetic…there happens to be some research to back-up this claim.

A study recently published in Social Forces  revealed that men who have daughters are more likely to abandon their beliefs on traditional gender roles. This study found that while new dads discard some gendered expectations after having daughters, the same statistically significant effect was not found with new moms. Explanations for why the same degree of change was not found among mothers included: women start off supporting traditional gender roles less than men do; women are already exposed to gender based discrimination and men may notice it more after having a daughter; and dads may take on the self-interests of their daughters as their own while similar self-interests already existed for moms. But whatever the case may be, having a daughter has a positive and significant impact on a dad’s attitudes and expectations.

While daughters bring out positive changes in their dads, dads, too, play a considerable role in helping daughters to reach their full potential. I remember learning in my undergrad years that a dad’s expectation for his daughter’s achievement has a far greater impact than expectations communicated in any other parent-child relationship. Meaning that when a daughter hears from her dad (or more importantly, intrinsically knows and believes) that she can be anything she sets her mind to, that she is smart, capable and able to achieve great things…it’s more likely that she will. I share this as a memory, for I have not been able to put my finger on the study (or studies) that claimed these results. And in no way do I mean to say that a mom’s expectations are not significant. I wholeheartedly believe they are very significant. But this post is about fathers and daughters and the ways in which they enrich each others’ lives.

So keeping this important relationship in mind, my feelings were totally not hurt when my daughters could barely tear themselves away from the paper airplane project they were creating with Dad when I returned home after two days away. While I didn’t get the enthusiastic, “Welcome home!” I was anticipating, what I did receive was way more meaningful – the realization that this strong, loving, reciprocal relationship between my daughters and their dad heightens important qualities and characteristics in each of them and sets the stage for healthy, harmonious relationships for my kids in the future.  

Related articles and post of Dad-Daughter Relationships:
Jay Z’s Newfound Feminist Fatherhood  Sociological Images
Daughters Make Dads Let Go Of Gender Roles, Says Study    Huff Post Parents
Dads and Daughters: How To Inspire, Understand and Support Your Daughter When She Is Growing Up So Fast by Joe Kelly

My worry about big kid shows is that they are filled with content that dramatically opposes the values I’m trying to instill at home. I used to think that my bone of contention with children’s television was going to be the amount of violence and aggression my kids could potentially take-in. For years I was involved in violence and aggression research and prevention projects, and I realize the abundance of violence present in entertainment designed for young audiences is disturbing to say the least. Now that I have a few years of parenting under my belt (which has involved decent amounts of children’s television viewing), it’s become clear that messages communicated to children about gender, gender roles and relationships has the potential to wreak as much havoc on healthy development as aggression and violence.

Assuming a total media blackout is out of the question, what are parents to do in response to messages and images that have potential to curtail efforts to raise socially and emotionally healthy children? Calling for “earmuffs,” Vince Vaughn-style seems rather ineffective. Likewise, my strategy of shouting, “inappropriate” as I clamor for the remote in hopes of drowning out objectionable dialogue has only resulted in my daughter’s increased desire to view “inappropriate” shows. Obviously we all do our best to try to prevent our kids from being exposed to content we believe to be unsuitable, but the truth is we don’t always see it coming. And obscuring messages doesn’t do much to prepare our kids to think critically or challenge what they see and hear in the media, especially when it comes to messages about gender and relationships.

Instead of attempting to cover up or ignore negative messages, why not let our own messages be heard louder than the ones on TV? My kids may only be 3 and 5, but they are not too young to hear that ideas expressed on television can be challenged. They are not too young for me to get in the habit of deconstructing messages shared on a program when it goes against my grain.

So next time the characters on TV are saying things like, “Ha, you throw like a girl!” I’m going to be checking-in with my kids to see how they might respond to comments like that.  We might come up with some pretty good come-backs like “I am a girl, and I’m a great thrower. What a nice compliment.” Why not turn that rotten dialogue into a teachable moment where my kids can practice standing up for themselves and feel secure and proud of what they can do. And when a beloved cartoon character says, “Eww, this room smells like boy…” I hope my message that boys and girls both have feelings makes a stronger impression than the gender based teasing seen on Olivia. Kids are never too young to question what they hear on TV, radio, movies, or from people around them.

How do you help your kids think critically about messages they hear in the media?

Some useful Media Literacy Posts and  Articles :  
How To Raise Media-Savy Kids   by Barbara Rowley at Parenting.com
Media-Savy Kids  by Meg Lundstrom at Scholastic

Great Websites:
Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood
Don’t Buy It PBS Kids Go

(images courtesy of MS Office Images)

Beginning this month, I plan to post once a week (with the exception of this particular post), and the “schedule” will look something like this:

Week 1) Books
Week 2) Media
Week 3) Relationships
Week 4) Personal Anecdotes

Just like in a classroom, the content within each subject area will vary, but the routine will remain the same. And this routine will always involve tying back to the mission of Superhero Princess and the Sanford Harmony Program: to strengthen connections between boys and girls and lay the foundation for harmonious relationships in the future.

Chrysanthemum, by Kevin Henkes, is a wonderful example of children’s literature that deals with a significant relationship topic – the issue of teasing and bullying. While it may not offer the perfect solutions for dealing with a bully, this story allows for important perspective-taking opportunities and self-reflections for preschoolers through second graders. This great picture book inspires some important questions to ask young kids and encourages valuable conversations:

How did Chrysanthemum feel when her classmates made fun of her name?
How would you feel if you were teased?
Did other kids join in the teasing or did they try to stop it?
What would you do if you heard your friends making fun of someone else?
What would you do if someone did something that hurt your feelings? 

Although the characters in this story are mice, boys and girls can easily relate to this subject matter. This book allows kids to explore feelings associated with being teased and develop strategies for dealing with name-calling. And with some strategic conversation guiding, this book can also inspire kids to stand-up for others and resolve to respect everyone’s feelings.

Other great children’s picture books that deal with teasing, name-calling and/or bullying (for the 7 and under crowd):
Purplicious by Victoria Kann and Elizabeth Kann
Bullies Never Win by Margery Cuyler
The Meanest Thing To Say by Bill Cosy
Ish by Peter H. Reynolds
Hooway For Wodney Wat by Helen Lester

No Name-Calling Week: January 23-27, 2012

It’s No Name-Calling Week, a week dedicated to bringing national attention to the problem of name-calling in our schools. Inspired by James Howe’s young adult novel, The Misfits, GLSEN (the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network) and Simon & Schuster Children’s Publishing created the No Name-Calling Week Coalition in hopes of starting an on-going dialogue about ways to eliminate bullying.

Since hearing about this initiative at the beginning of the month, name-calling has been on my mind. That was just code for; No Name-Calling Week has triggered my obsessive thoughts. Now unlike many of the other topics I have tendency to perseverate over, I believe the issues of name-calling, teasing and bullying are well worth my time and energy. So as I fixated on the words expressed in my home over the last few weeks, I was surprised by how often we call each other names. I’ll spare you the potty words and pseudo-insults ending in “head,” for I’m sure you can image that with a 3 and a 5-year-old at home, the list could go on and on (and we parents are not innocent bystanders either).

Like most preschoolers, my kids love saying silly things and basically whatever else is on their minds. Not much filtering with the 5 and under crowd. And while name-calling is pretty common, it’s typically playful in nature. At this stage, my kids’ perspective taking skills aren’t super sharp, but I know they have some understanding that their words or actions could hurt someone else. There are times when I see anger or frustration incite an outburst of name-calling, but for the most part, kids this age are not necessarily looking to harm someone with their words. And when they do find themselves on the receiving end of name-calling, they are quick to learn how it feels – not good.

I know as kids get older, the intent behind name-calling changes and it takes on stronger tones with more hurtful comments. As an elementary school teacher it was hard not to notice how kids use name-calling in attempt to gain power or simply “fit-in.” Social influences are strong and increase with each passing year. When kids enter adolescence, name-calling and teasing reach new heights. It is meant to hurt, embarrass and humiliate. Kids at this stage of development can zero in on someone’s vulnerabilities and attack – questioning “manhood,” making fun of physical appearances, teasing about romantic feelings…..adolescents have strong opinions about acceptable and not acceptable traits, and they are quick to comment or exclude others based on these beliefs.

Of course name-calling can be lighthearted, but when it’s used in hurtful ways – which it often is – consequences can be great. Name-calling and teasing can produce extreme amounts of stress and grief for kids. It can have a huge impact on how they feel about themselves and how they feel about school. But kids – at any age – can be given tools for dealing with hurtful words directed at them. As parents we can listen and acknowledge our kids’ feelings. We can encourage them when they make efforts to deal with difficult situations on their own. And we can role play with our kids to help them feel prepared to show confidence and strength while staying clam and in control when upsetting and uncomfortable situations arise.

Preparing our kids to handle difficult situations is such an important job, and preparing our kids to avoid being the perpetrator of hurtful acts is of equal importance. As a mom of two young ones, I feel like I’m constantly reminding my daughters to “be nice.” Our words are important, and kids are never too young to hear that.

And as I’ve allowed myself to be consumed with thoughts on name-calling my mind continues to return to the book of wisdom by Ruiz and the first of his Four Agreements that ensure “right conduct”:
#1 Be Impeccable With Your Words.

How do you handle name-calling at your house?

Just a couple of great children’s books to help kids think about and deal with name-calling and bullying:
Chrysanthemum by Kevin Henkes (age 4 and up)
My Secret Bully by Trudy Ludwig (age 5 and up)
Just Kidding by Trudy Ludwig (age 8 and up)

And a post to restore your faith in humanity:
Mill Creek Middle School Student Inspires Classmates Through Posts on Lockers

There’s no doubt that same-gender peer groups are great, but here are ten reasons why boys and girls would also benefit from playing TOGETHER.

1. Playing together provides opportunities to develop and practice problem solving strategies with one another.
2. Playing together creates occasions to rehearse communication skills with each other.
3. Playing together increases kids’ comfort and familiarity with each other.
4. Playing together allows kids’ to discover common ground.
5. Playing together leads to an appreciation of diversity.
6. Playing together produces a better understanding of one another.
7. Playing together aids in disproving stereotypes.
8. Playing together brings about a wider range of play and learning experiences.
9. Playing together gives kids the chance to have fun together and the desire to have fun together again and again.
10. Playing together develops relational skills that can be extended to future relationships.

Kids learn SO MUCH through play. Why not relationship skills?

Set on opposite ends of the building with words etched in stone above, these doors had long since brought boys and girls into school separately. And the sight of this historical signage never elicited any type of negative feelings from me. In fact, I appreciated the history it represented. If anything, it was a reminder of how far we’ve come (in education and as a culture), and an incentive for continuing to push for change and improvement. Separate entrances for boys and girls – a thing of the past, ancient history, olden times, distant memories….  It’s 2012 now for goodness sakes. It’s a time of inclusion, progressive thinking, and ingenuity.

So could someone please explain to me why an industry that has the resources to be all of this and more has created the likes of Legos Friends?

What is going on?!

Heartlake City in shades of pink and purple with nary a boy/man in sight – where is the inclusion? Gender stereotyped sets that sacrificed the brain stimulating aspect of construction in order to get to the role-playing faster – where is the progressive thinking, the ingenuity? The real shame is that in Lego’s attempt to bring girls back to their product (a loss that could have been avoided if they hadn’t alienated them in the first place); they’ve bought into the assumption that girls and boys don’t like to play legos the same way.   Therefore, girls must be provided with frilly incentives.  I ask you, Lego, why not go back to the good old ‘80s when Legos were “for girls AND boys.”  Doesn’t every kid like to build stuff?

Many people are upset with the stereotypes elicited by this new line, and rightfully so. Additionally, people feel disappointed by the degree to which Lego is short-changing our girls, and are also left wondering why such stark blue and pink lines have been drawn down the toy aisles. These are all extremely valid and important concerns, and still I believe there is even more to it. In creating the Friends line for girls, Lego has missed an amazing opportunity for bringing boys and girls TOGETHER. If children are given more chances to establish some common ground, and work and play with one another, they will be more inclined to engage more often – learning from and about each other along the way. But instead of creating opportunities for kids to connect, engage, and collaborate, Lego put a product on the market that narrows kids minds about play partners by perpetuating caricature-like stereotypes and communicating the message that boys and girls should not be playing together.

Our kids already spend a disproportionate amount of time in single-gender peer groups, where they work on their communication and problem solving skills in isolation of one another and socialize each other in different ways. The messages and images polarizing our girls and boys contribute tremendously to the notion that they grow-up in “two separate worlds.” So after spending so much time apart during their formative years, what happens when our boys and girls need to/have to/want to come together – in school, the workplace, at home, and in relationships? The year is 2012 and boys and girls enter the building through the same door.   The world is coed. It’s time to do more to help bring our kids together.

Other posts and articles on the Lego debate:
Does Stripping Gender From Toys Really Make a Difference by Peggy Orenstein – New York Times

Lowest Common Denominator by Melissa Wardy – Pigtail Pals: Redefine Girly

Girls Can Battle and Boys Can Bake – Princess Free Zone

Does LEGO Friends Stoop to Stereotype? – Time

Lego Friends: Please Build on Possibility of Brain Plasticity – Shaping Youth

“There’s no law that they can’t go in the store and buy the Frank Lloyd Wright line” – Matt Lauer on girl Legos – Reel Girl

I realized that something had to give when I barely made it through day #1 of Winter Vacation. What started out as a great plan quickly turned into a morning full of screaming:

Come-on! Get dressed!
Cooperate PLEASE! I’m trying to take you to do something FUN!
Get your shoes! Your SHOES!
Don’t you want to go see the gingerbread house with your friends?!
Fine. Forget it. We won’t go…Nope! We’re not going!!
We’re late! Where’s your jacket?! Your JACKET!
To the car. THE CAR!

That was just the beginning… And while I’m not proud to admit it, this was not an “atypical” way for us to leave the house. I could go on, but honestly, I’m embarrassed and ashamed of some of the things that came out of my mouth that morning. It was an out of control snowball of shame – the more I yelled at the terrible behavior, the more unbearable the behavior became. While I knew my yelling was exacerbating the situation, I was so stuck in our downward spiral, I couldn’t pull myself together. It got loud, and worst of all, it got personal. Things I promised I would never say, I said. Things like, “What’s the matter with you?!” What’s the matter with you? Really?! I said that to my child?! I should know better. I do know better…

Yelling is the worst!  It feels awful for everyone. I feel horrible when I do it and it makes the kids feel upset, angry and frustrated. And… it’s ineffective. Who in their right mind would listen – I mean really listen and consider what is being said – to a person who has clearly lost control? Not me, so why should it be different for my kids? It’s my job as a parent to teach my kids to communicate in respectful ways, and this mostly happens through the examples I set. So what kind of lesson do my kids learn when I shout, “CALM DOWN,” at them? They’re not learning to calm down, I’ll tell you that much, and they are definitely not learning how to speak to others in positive ways.

By noon on that first day of vacation, I put in a call for reinforcement. Thankfully my mom was able to give both my 5 year-old and myself a much needed break from each other. While I sat in my “time-out,” fuming over the disgusting behaviors of that morning (both mine and my child’s), I soon came around to answering the terrible question I shouted at my daughter:

What’s the matter with you? ME!  I’m what’s the matter. I wasn’t ready to leave on time. I wasn’t paying attention to you because I was trying to do 10 things at once. I was the one feeling tired, cranky, overwhelmed.…While you met each of my missteps with escalating defiance, I am the grown-up and the person responsible for getting us out of a tailspin.  

Henceforth, I resolved to stop yelling – effective immediately. Like most New Year’s resolutions, my commitment to abandon yelling will require tremendous will power, and so far I have managed to keep my cool. When the 3 year-old climbed on the bathroom counter, filled up 30+ Dixie cups, crushed them and threw them on the floor, I handed her a towel and left the room. When the 5 year-old was putting her foot in a toilet at a friend’s holiday party, I did some deep breathing. Obviously I’ve thought about cheating on this resolution, but unlike a diet or exercise regiment, it affects people beyond me – it affects the people most important to me.  

So here’s to a happy and healthy 2012!  May this year be filled with patience, self-control, listening, peaceful problem solving, respect, kindness, fairness, compassion, healthy communication, and loving relationships. And when little feet find their way into questionably sanitary places, may we all find the strength to think before we act.

So what about the fact that the three year-old was crying even harder than her injured big sister? I’ll acknowledge that my hysterics possibly influenced her reaction, but she was truly and genuinely upset and concerned. I’m sure fear and guilt contributed to her tantrum, but she also wept apologies to her sister and asked if she was okay. There were definite signs of compassion. As a parent, seeing this caring behavior warmed my heart.

While my heart swells with pride watching my child show empathy, it just as quickly deflates from the disappointment of apathy. And that’s where I found myself just one day after the stepstool incident – deflated. This time it was the three year-old who was hurt and needing help. When big sister entered the room asking for assistance with a toy instead of asking if her sister was alright, it ticked something off in my brain.

“Can’t you see that she’s hurt? Ask her what’s wrong! Ask her if she’s okay!”

I so badly wanted her to show sympathy, kindness, compassion….I got none of that. What I did get was a secondary fit due to the fact that I was unwilling to stop with the injured child and help fix a game.

Was it wrong to be so disappointed by this apparent lack of concern? Did she even truly lack concern? And what good does it do to try to force words, phrases and actions from my child as if I’m a puppeteer?

Say, “Hello.”
Say, “Thank you.”
Say, “Are you alright?”
Give her a hug.
Say, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do that. It was an accident.”
Say, “That’s okay. I forgive you.”
Say, “I love you.”

I guess it’s one thing when a child is first learning, but sometimes it feels like coercion.

One thing I have come to realize about my kids is that they deal with their emotions in completely opposite ways – one keeps her feelings to herself, and the other wears hers on her sleeve. I know in my heart that they are both caring people, but having empathy and showing empathy are two very different things.

Thinking about this difference led me to consider my role as a parent in the development of this very important skill, and I wondered – Are people born with the ability to understand other’s feelings and show compassion or is it learned? Is it a parent’s job to teach a child to care or to teach a child to show she or he cares?  And so, as all potentially questionable fact seeking/research begins, I Googled it…

Now I make no claims that this site offers “the best” or “the most” information on the development of empathy, but I like it, so I’m sharing it here.

The University of Alabama Parenting  Assistance Line answered the question of whether or not children are born with the ability to understand and share the feelings of another by stating:

“We are born with the capacity for empathetic behavior, but whether or not we mature into caring, understanding adults is principally determined by what we are taught.”

The site goes on to give some great, age appropriate tips for encouraging empathy in children. And thankfully, none of those tips include persuading your kids to repeat what you say….