“Smile!”

At the ENT – and in an especially photogenic mood – my kids kept asking me to take their pictures. Happy to oblige, I snapped away on my phone as we waited for our turn.

“Smile!” instructed my 5 year-old. “Now make a sassy face.”

“What did you say?!”

It wasn’t that I missed what she said; I just need a minute to figure out what I should say…Unfortunately that stolen moment didn’t prepare me for her response:

“A sassy face is cute. That’s how you get boys to like you.”

“Make a sassy face.” WHAT?!

“WHAT?!! Where did you hear that?”

Why I asked her to name a responsible party I do not know. I realize this line of questioning was not productive, but it did buy me some more time. And while it may be irrelevant, I can tell you this – the mom of the “alleged culprit” would have fallen over faster than me if she had heard her own 5 year-old share the same sentiment.

So there we sat, blame cast on a sweet, unsuspecting 5 year-old, and I was still left scrambling for some way to address this wildly inappropriate comment. Needless to say, I was pretty relieved to be interrupted by the ENT.

20 minutes later, with tootsie pops in hand, we headed to the car, and I just had to ask:

“What were you saying about making a sassy face so boys will like you? I don’t understand.”

“Mom, when you’re sassy you do this.” She proceeded to walk ahead of me swinging her hips from side to side.

“Why would boys like you if you made a silly face or walked funny?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well….what do boys do that makes you like them?”

“They have good ideas.”

“Right. Well you have good ideas too. You always have something fun you want to do. You’re a creative, smart and nice kid. That’s why your buddies like you – girls AND boys.”

I desperately want my daughters to have healthy friendships with both boys and girls. I want them to enjoy their childhood as children – free of inappropriate, adult-themed nuances and downright wrong sexually explicit messages. In no way do I think it is remotely funny or cute to put a romantic twist on children’s friendships. Five-Years-Old! She is nowhere near developmentally ready to have romantic feelings – cognitively, emotionally, physically…..And for that matter, when she is, I hope she never, ever, ever thinks a relationship is about acting a certain way or doing “something” to get someone to like you. YIKES! I know I can’t filter all the messages my kids receive, so I best start preparing to respond to the unsavory ones now. So tell me – what would you have said???

As luck would have it, we have been working on a video to illustrate the evolution of the gender divide. Based on an extensive body of research,  Sanford Harmony Program’s Cindy Miller Ph.D. (Lead Developer for Intermediate Program) and Carol Martin Ph.D. (Executive Director) have outlined the progression and consequences of gender segregation from childhood through adulthood in a short, engaging animation which was created with the talented folks from ASU’s Student Media department.

“The Gender Segregation Cycle illustrates that the more time children spend in gender segregated groups, the more likely they are to develop negative gender attitudes (e.g., “Boys are so weird”), limited communication skills (gender-specific styles of communicating), increased gender stereotyping (“Only girls play with dolls”), and decreased relationship efficacy (“I don’t know how to talk to girls”). The goal of SHP is to prevent the social, contextual, and individual processes that initiate and maintain the Gender Segregation Cycle by ensuring that girls and boys are brought together under positive conditions.”  - Cindy Miller Ph.D.

While this is only part one of a two-part video, we thought it timely to share now. Part two will involve illustrating how bringing boys and girls together early in life can break the segregation cycle depicted. We will also be adding credits to the video, including acknowledging Crystal Smith from Achilles Effect for the use of her Toy Ad Vocabulary Word Clouds.

So let us know what you think! What are the most salient messages contributing to segregating kids? What can we, as adults, do to redirect girls and boys socially when their cognitions lead them to segregate? Do you believe the cycle can be changed or broken?

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So when we set-up shop at the splash pad, I knew there was no getting out of a trip into the bulk candy store located right in front of the play area. I happen to like candy as much as my little ones so it required very little persuading for me to agree to this treat. When we eventually made our way over to the shop, It’Sugar, my oldest daughter mentioned that she wanted to see “the ladies.” I didn’t know what she was talking about until we walked through the doors and I saw three racy manikins dressed in candy clothing. And I use the term “clothing” loosely here. I think one was meant to be in a bikini and the other two in lingerie. I recognize that it’s not everyday that my kids see people wearing candy, so I tried to focus on the novelty of the material, rather than the maturity and questionable appropriateness of it. But as we were paying and getting ready to leave, I couldn’t believe my eyes…So I snapped this picture on my phone and hustled the kids out the door.

Those little hands in the bottom right hand corner of the picture belong to my 5½ year old. Why am I allowing her to browse through the pornographic candy aisle?? I’m not! Those candy bars were lining the CHECK-OUT COUNTER!

These were at the check-out counter too:
And these (image from itsugar.com):

And this text was printed on everything- water bottles, cups, bags….(image from itsugar.com):

I was so upset when I left the store - mostly because I didn’t say something to the manager. So the next day I went back – without kids. When I expressed my concern over the fact that such adult themed candy was displayed right in the pathway of any kid walking into the store, the manager kindly acknowledged my concern but told me that while they are a “candy store” they’re merchandise is for kids and adults. When I mentioned that they were located right in front of a kids’ play area, he said “I see what you’re saying, but we didn’t have anything to do with the splash pad going into that location.”   When I asked him if the items located at the check-out counter could be moved to a more discrete area of the store, he told me “no.” He said he had no control over the location of merchandise and couldn’t move things around because those decisions came from “corporate.” He then encouraged me to contact them, which I did. You can read my email here, but all I really wanted to say was, “I don’t understand how you think this is okay.”

There are many researchers, journalists, child advocacy organizations and parents out there who are much better suited than I to speak about the hyper-sexualization we see in our culture today and the serious and negative consequences it has on our children. Awareness raised by these activists lead to the formation of the APA Task Force on the Sexualization of Girls and the creation of a comprehensive Executive Summary which acknowledges that “ample evidence indicates that sexualization has negative effects in a variety of domains, including cognitive functioning, physical and mental health, sexuality and attitudes and beliefs.”  You can check out the full report here, and I strongly recommend getting involved with the work of Peggy Orenstein, Melissa Wardy, SPARK a Movement, and Campaign for a Commercial Free Childhood (CCFC) – just to name a few.

But what I can say on behalf of myself and the work we are doing on the Sanford Harmony Program, is that overexposure to sexual images and ideas affects how girls and boys think about each other and greatly impacts relationships later on. In the words of Diane Levin -Professor of Education,  author of ‘So Sexy, So Soon,’ and  founding member of the CCFC – “the problem is not that children are learning about sex; the problem is what they are learning about relationships.”

We want our kids to develop healthy and innocent friendships as children – friendships that allow them to learn and grow while cultivating positive communication, problem solving and relational skills along the way. Feeding our young kids a steady dose of sexually explicit content will only make things tremendously difficult and impossibly uncomfortable for them to come together in healthy, balanced relationships. And while this issue seems daunting, we can affect change by putting into action some of the recommendations that came out of the APA report : Complain to manufacturers, advertisers, television and movie producers and retail stores that “sell sex” with their products targeting children, and support campaigns, companies and products that promote healthy and positive images of girls and boys.

Photo Credit: PeggyOrenstein.com

So in the wake of Princess Week, it seems fitting to devote this month’s book salute to Peggy Orenstein’s Cinderella Ate My Daughter. I love this book, not only because she dedicates a good chunk of Chapter 4 to the work we’ve been doing on The Sanford Harmony Program and the importance of mixed-gender play, but because it also happens to be a really good read. Well researched, and with a good dose of humor, Cinderella Ate My Daughter: Dispatches from the Front Lines of the New Girlie-Girl Culture, explores the explosion of the “princess culture” that has occurred in recent years and its implications on raising healthy daughters (and sons).

The history regarding the origins of the Disney Princesses and the escalation of princess-themed merchandise and publicity make for intriguing reading, yet the focus of this book isn’t solely on Disney. Orenstein also takes a close look at American Girls, child beauty pageants, young singer/actress-role-models-turn-cautionary-tales (such as Britney Spears and Miley Cyrus), social networking and more. As Orenstein examines these cultural phenomenons from various angles, she strikes a careful balance of reserving judgment while still expressing her concern for young girls’ self-esteem and the sexualization of children.

Incredibly thought-provoking and informative, this book really gets to the heart of how complex gender based cultural messages can be and how complicated it is to find solutions to raising healthy, happy kids.

Have you read Cinderella Ate My Daughter? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

It happened last week after I took my two daughters to the library. We came home with 8 books, one being a Halloween Disney Princess paperback (yes, it’s April, but the theme here is irrelevant). Although this story wasn’t much of a story, I chose not to protest because they picked out a lot of other great books. Also, it seems that when something is “off limits” it only serves to make it more desirable, and I’d like to avoid making princesses a bone of contention with my kids.

But at bedtime when the 3-year-old wanted to read the princess story I couldn’t hold my tongue. I said something along the lines of it not being a very interesting story or that there really wasn’t much to it and we should choose a better book. To my comments my 5-year-old replied, “You know mom, that’s not very nice. Everyone can like whatever they want to like.”
How could I argue with that?

Over the years I’ve tried to encourage my kids to have as much diversity in their play and friendships as possible. I’ve put so much effort into trying to teach my kids that everything is for everyone – that toys or crayons or movies etc. aren’t “for girls” or “for boys” – and here my daughter was demonstrating an understanding that kids should be free to choose to engage with whatever suits their interest.

While I worried about the messages my kids would take away from hearing a story of Snow White and Ariel preparing for Halloween, a much more important message rose to the top – people should be able to like what they like without judgment. Feeling hopeful that the messages I’ve worked so hard to communicate will continue to sound above the rest and reassured that my kids are developing the ability to question and challenge what doesn’t feel right, we did read the princess story that night…and I did so with much less distress.

Photo Credit: The Bully Project

If you’ve seen the film ‘Bully,’ then you understand why I am still thinking, talking and blogging about it. This powerful documentary highlights the stories of 5 kids and families who are affected tremendously by bullying. One courageous and charismatic 16 year-old, Kelby, eloquently discusses and describes the cruel abuse she endures as an openly gay youth in her small town. The strength and seemingly eternal optimism that Kelby displays throughout the film made a significant impression on me, and I’m certain I am not alone. Her resolve in the beginning of the school year to return and face her tormentors, and her determination to be a catalyst for change in her community speak to the strength of her character and left me wondering and reflecting on the sources of her resiliency.

Several times throughout the film we see Kelby championed by a group of friends and hear from her about the importance of their support. In reflecting on her own suicide attempts, she credits her friends for being the reason that she is still here. Although her parents are extremely loving, supportive and protective, it is clear that Kelby’s friendships serve as vital protective factor as she endures physical and emotional abuse at school and ostracism in her community.

In a volume from the Guilford Series on Social and Emotional Development, Catherine L. Bagwell’s and Michelle E. Schmidt’s book Friendships in Childhood and Adolescence explores the significance of friendship for social, emotional, and cognitive development from early childhood through adolescence. According to the authors, “studies suggest that children who are able to establish friendships, despite individual and social risk factors, may receive significant protective benefits from those relationships.” It is also noted that having good friends may also promote resilience so that even in the face of peer victimization substantial negative outcomes are less likely to develop.

We all understand that a friend standing up for a child in the face of a potential bully is a powerful act. We all recognize that the mere presence of friends may discourage potential aggressors. And we all know that simply having friends may not be enough to prevent bullying and harassment. But as research suggests, and as we saw in Kelby’s story, friends – especially high quality and socially skilled friends – may be able to help negotiate challenging social situations and provide advice and good ideas about how to handle aggression from peers. It’s even been shown that having one high quality friend is more beneficial than having multiple friends who don’t necessarily provide that same level of support. High quality friends can also offer important emotional support and validation for a child after a bullying episode – providing that much needed ear for when a child needs to feel heard the most.

So the big question is… how do we as parents help our kids develop high quality friendships without robbing them of the natural childhood experiences to practice these necessary skills themselves?

Last month I wrote a post about the documentary ‘Bully.’ At the time, the movie had been given an R-rating and was the topic of many conversations. On April 5^th, it was announced that the MPAA granted ‘Bully’ a PG-13 rating without requiring filmmakers to sacrifice significant content. This wise decision will allow this movie to be viewed by its intended audience – adolescents and teenagers in schools.

Following my initial post, a reader contacted a friend at The Weinstein Company – the film studio behind the documentary – who generously offered to send out an advance copy of the film for a prescreening. This opportunity was then brought to us at The Sanford Harmony Program, and in 5 short days we rallied a group of teachers, administrators, parents, grandparents, professors, researchers, university students and other community members to join us in previewing this powerful documentary.

Since one of the intentions of this film was to give a voice to the victims of bullying who so often go unheard, ‘Bully’ presents a raw look at this type of physical and emotional abuse without offering commentary, analysis or very many solutions. The emotions that were stirred by witnessing acts of bullying from this perspective were profound, and this experience inspired a tremendous amount of dialogue and critical thinking in regards to enhancing peer relationships and making schools safer spaces.

The impact of this event has been overwhelming, and the discussions that have followed have been incredibly thought provoking. Every single day for the last two weeks I have been involved in conversations sparked by this film. Teachers, administrators and parents at my children’s school are stopping at drop-off and pick-up to talk about it.  Friends, former coworkers and acquaintances are emailing and texting their thoughts on the movie. Each day at work the topic of bullying and its various forms (physical, verbal, emotional, relational) are discussed in our offices and at lunch.

People are talking, and they’re talking about….
- the need to prevent bullying behaviors as early as possible
- the importance of empowering kids to standup for themselves
- the role of the bystander
- ways to encourage kids to be upstanders
- the responsibility of the schools in creating inclusive and safe learning environments
- the role of parents, teachers, administrator, and peers 

People are asking questions, and they want to know …
- why kids bully in the first place
- how to help victims
- why anti-bullying curricula and policies are only having marginal effects
- why it’s so difficult for adults – in schools and at home – to find the words to deal with bullying  
- how we can change the norms of behavior
- how we can improve relationships in schools

People are inspired, and they want to affect change. Motivated by the success of our ‘Bully’ event, we are planning future gatherings within our community to continue looking at ways to improve peer relationships.

‘Bully’ may not provide many answers or solutions, but it certainly serves as a very important catalyst for change, engaging us all on such an important topic – helping kids to grow-up safe, happy, supported, and known.  We hope to see you at our upcoming events in the Phoenix area and hear from you on this blog and on Facebook.  Let’s keep the conversation going and work towards making change happen.

As a former early elementary school teacher, and now as a parent of young kids, I delight in discovering beautiful picture books with engaging stories that are layered with important life lessons. A Lamb and a Llama checks all of these boxes and more. This authentic piece of children’s literature weaves in lessons of responsibility, diversity and inclusion. My favorite lesson was taught by the little lamb, Nola, who perseveres in showing Picasso that friendships can be built on shared interests and celebrated differences. Even after being warned to not play together because they are so different, Nola astutely (and repeatedly) points out that he and Picasso actually have a lot in common, chanting observations like, “You like to jump and frolic too. Like it or not, I’m a lot like you.” 

This book has been published in paperback and a hardcover “Super Fun Edition” which includes activities for young children and fun facts for all. We read the latter at my house last night and it was a big hit! I will admit that after teaching 1^st and 2^nd grades for years most of my best trivia facts have come from children’s books, and I thank you Ashley for adding to my pool of knowledge.

So now for the really fun part…Ashley is hosting a contest over on her blog and on her book’s Facebook page. Become a fan of A Lamb and a Llama on Facebook and you will be entered to win one of several copies of this wonderful book and a chance to win an Amazon gift card. And since I love this book so much, I’d like to spread the love too! Share this book salute or Ashley’s post on Twitter or Facebook and come back here and let me know in the comment section. For each mention of A Lamb and a Llama (yep, every time) I will enter your name in a drawing for an autographed copy of the “Super Fun Edition!” (I have an in with the author). I’m going to let this ride through the end of the month so keep me posted of all of your postings! This book is well worth sharing.

Headed out of our neighborhood last weekend with both kids, my husband rounded a corner and came to an abrupt stop. Four boys around the age of 11 sat in lawn chairs placed strategically across the road. They remained there with their heads down, giggling, but you could tell a couple of them were nervous. Eventually one boy stood and moved his chair to let us through, but only after I rolled down the window and insisted that he do so.

Once on our way our 5 year old’s questions started coming: Who was that? What were they doing? Why didn’t they move? I immediately launched into “teachable moment” mode:

I don’t know those kids. I guess they thought it would be funny if they blocked the road, but that was a pretty bad idea because they could really get hurt. What do you think would have happened if a car came around the corner and didn’t see them?
They’d get hit.
Yeah. Sometimes friends have bad ideas. What would you do if one of your friends had a bad idea like that and told you to sit in the middle of the street or do something else dangerous?
I’d say no.
You have lots of good ideas, you know. I love how smart and creative you are with the games you think of and all your projects…..You could be like, “That’s dangerous guys. Let’s do something better like build a fort or something.” You don’t need to following along with someone else’s bad idea – you have great ideas. You should think for yourself.

Truth be told, the boys in the street were kind of funny. But adhering to one of the unwritten rules of parenthood – in certain circumstances you must pretend to find no humor in amusing situations – I could only appreciate the road blockers for the opportunity they offered me to talk to my kids about being influenced by friends. Another truth…my 5 year old often has very bad ideas (she’s five for goodness sake). But as a firm believer in self-fulfilling prophecy, I like to throw out some positive expectation for behavior when I can.

While I don’t know how much my 3 or 5 year old took away from our little discussion in the car, I do know that the importance of friendship has been steadily growing for them with each passing year. And as the importance of friendship increases, the influence of friends increases too.

We can help our kids process what they see at any age. Focusing on empathy and perspective taking can help our kids understand others’ choices and equip them to make better choices themselves. And talking through situations not only provides us with cautionary tales (“remember those kids in the street”), it helps build our kids’ repertoires, giving them lots of tools for handling themselves among their peers.

Thankfully, peer influence isn’t always bad. Sometimes friends set wonderful examples for behavior – the trick is keeping an eye out for those….Like the time when my oldest daughter and I watched three kids riding bikes through a shopping center. When one of the kids rode through a bed of flowers, the child in the lead turned to reprimand him, “What are you doing man? You’re going to kill those flowers?!” The lead boy was quickly joined by the third in tow, “Yeah man. Get out of the flowers!” It was weird how much I loved witnessing this. And I was surprised by how proud I felt of this boy I didn’t know for standing up for respect and responsible citizenship.  But what I loved most was being able to point out to my daughter that friends can influence friends in positive ways too.

Image courtesy of  Microsoft Office Clip Art

The award-winning documentary Bully is scheduled to be released in theaters on March 30^th.  This powerful look at the devastating consequences of bullying has the potential to affect change in the way we all think about and deal with this type of abuse – especially in schools. I’ve watched this trailer nearly 10 times, and I’ve yet to view it without tearing-up. But this emotional, valuable and relevant documentary has been given an R rating for language, restricting the accessibility of this film for the audience who would benefit most – children under the age of 17.

According to The Los Angeles Times, the Motion Picture Association of America has scheduled a special screening and panel to take place this Thursday to discuss the documentary and its rating. I know I’m not alone in hoping the MPAA reconsiders their rating decision. In the meantime, you can add your name to the 300,000 on the change.org petition MPAA: Don’t let the bullies win! Give ‘Bully’ a PG-13 instead of an R rating!

I am really looking forward to seeing this film when it comes out at the end of the month. Bringing attention to the issue of bullying is critical in efforts to create safe schools with learning environments that foster the healthy growth of all students – socially, emotionally and academically. Peer relationships matter! A documentary like Bully holds the possibility of shining a light on a very serious topic and in doing so, persuading parents, educators and youth to take notice, take action and make a difference.

Other related posts, articles and sites:
Bully Official Site
Bully Facebook Page
Change.org Petition – MPAA: Don’t let the bullies win! Give ‘Bully a PG-13 instead of an R rating!
Los Angeles Time – ‘Bully’: MPAA to host screening, discussion of R-rated documentary 
TIME Healthland – Bully: A Hard Documentary, but Does It Deserve to Be Rated R? 
CNN – ‘Bully’ controversy: Student urges MPAA to change documentary’s R rating
Facing History and Ourselves - Interview with Director Lee Hirsch: “Bullying Impacts Who We Are as a Nation“