Me: So Katie, what do you think we should get for Eli and Brian?

Katie: Something boy-lish.

Annie: There’s no such thing as “boy-lish” Katie. ‘Cause boys can like girls’ toys and girls can like boys’ toys.

Me: OooRrr….toys are for everyone, and boys and girls should get to play with whatever they like.

Annie: Right. That’s what I meant.

image credit: ms office images

In a phone conversation with a friend of mine, the Manager expressed gratitude for having this issue brought to her attention. She acknowledged that there really was nothing cute about a sign reading “Boys Stink” and regretted that it had gone up in the first place. And then she said something that I think we can all relate to,

“I saw it, but I didn’t really see it. You know?”

Yeah, I do know.

image credit: “Vintage Illustrated Poem” on eBay
What Are Little Boys Made Of?

How many times have we recited nursery rhymes that imply the superiority of one sex over the other? How many times have we heard chants that suggest some battle between the sexes? How many times have we read logos on shirts or titles on books that involve the degradation of one sex by the other?

image credit: zazzle.com

*  In the words of my friend Melissa Wardy of Pigtail Pals and Ballcap Buddies, “You don’t raise girls up by breaking boys down.”  Is there really a winner when the advancement of one means the decline of the other? The battle of the sexes is a zero-sum game, but since the beginning of time we’ve pitted one sex against the other while all evidence points to the fact that this is indeed not helpful to anyone.

Don’t we want kids to get along and respect each other? Isn’t that what we expect them to do as adults? The “boys versus girls” messaging is so prevalent, it is easy to see how many of us have become desensitized to it.  Yet, if we open our eyes to it, it’s plain to see how it is eroding relationships between boys and girls/ men and women and we need to ask ourselves “Why?”

I never doubted that Nordstrom would remove the “Boys Stink” signs from their stores, but I think what happened was a bit more than a store responding to “offended” customers by taking down some plaques. I like to think we helped a big corporation to SEE something. And for this I thank you!

Over the weekend I was passing through the Nordstrom Children’s Department, and I saw this:

After a brief chat with the salesperson, I decided to write this:

I was recently shopping in the children’s department at your Scottsdale, Arizona location, and I was surprised and upset to see a sign hanging in the girls’ section that read: Boys Stink. I asked the sales clerk if anyone had complained about it yet. She told me, “no,” and added that it was just meant to be cute. When I asked her if there was an equally negative sentiment about girls hanging in the boys’ section, she told me, “no.” She did share that she had overheard some young (male) shoppers complain to their parents that it wasn’t fair that a ‘Girls Stink’ sign wasn’t hanging on the boys’ side.

By no means am I writing to suggest that you make it “fair” by creating balanced slanderous signage. I am writing to point out that a sign that says “Boys Stink” is really not cute at all. It’s mean. And as a mother of two daughters, I’m just grateful that they are too young to read. As a retail store I realize you are not in the business of creating social change, but I do believe you are in the business of making customers feel good about themselves. Having a sign that tells half the population that they stink seems to me to be counterproductive.

I know some adults think that there is really no harm in pitting boys and girls against each other, but many of us see it in a different way. Many of us hope to see our kids (boys and girls) developing kind, caring relationships with one another. Many of us would like for our kids to grow-up without negative feelings about the other gender. Many of us would like for our kids to not be exposed to such antiquated gender attitudes, stereotypes and biases. But above all, I think most of us would like for our kids to be nice. Telling boys that they stink is not nice – any child over the age of 2 could tell you that.

I realize that some people may feel that I am overreacting, but I don’t think I’m off base expecting your company to treat all of your customers with respect. After all, Nordstrom is known for outstanding customer service. I’m quite certain your company would never authorize a sign reading ‘Women Suck’ to hang in the men’s department. So it seems logical for Nordstrom to use the same consideration for their youngest customers as well. Don’t you agree?

Sincerely,

Hillary Manaster

Hillary L. Manaster M.Ed.
Sanford Harmony Program
School of Social and Family Dynamics
Arizona State University
www.sanfordharmonyprogram.org

And then I received this:

Hello Hillary,

Thank you for taking the time to share your feedback. Our customers’ opinions are very important to Nordstrom and greatly assist us with our continued efforts to provide the best merchandise and service to our customers.

I think you have made a very good point in showing how to set a good example for all our customers. Please know that I will share your experience and feedback, so that we learn and improve. If you need anything else, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Regards,

Stony
Customer Service Specialist
Nordstrom
888.282.6060

I’d like to give Nordstrom the benefit of the doubt, and I’m hopeful that this concern is getting passed along the proper channels. I’ll be sure to post any updates, but in the meantime, if anyone else would like to contact customer service to let them know what you think about this sign, it would be good for them to hear from you. contact@nordstrom.com

Many would argue that it is crucial to always speak-up, raise your concerns, make your requests, state your needs…  A reader on my last blog post commented,

“When it comes to your kids and someone else being responsible for them, speak your mind…you only have one shot at raising your daughter, so call them up and politely express your concern. Who cares what they think of you anyway, it’s your daughter and you determine what is inappropriate.”

To a large extent I agree. But I do believe that a constant squeaky wheel will get ignored over time and poorly timed, ill-phrased “constructive criticism” can have an even worse effect.   Having been on the receiving end of parent grievances, recommendations and requests, I can say with a good amount of assurance that always making your grievances, recommendations and requests known is a surefire way to have your grievances, recommendations or requests discredited. You’ve got to choose your battles and your words wisely.

So with this in mind I grappled with saying something to the camp director about some songs and dances that were taught to the kids that teetered on the edge of inappropriateness. And if I did say something, how would I say it to ensure it be taken seriously? After much back and forth, and some solid encouragement from you folks reading this blog, I decided to write the director last week. Here is the email I sent:

And…..I got nothing—no response. So now I face the dilemma again. Do I push it? Try a different angle? OR, feel satisfied that I spoke-up and maybe they will think about things differently as they move forward?  I know that the most important thing I have done as a parent is to talk with my daughter about what to do with the messages she is getting from the world around her, so do I let it lie from here?

On one particular day she came home begging (I mean seriously – hands clasped, on knees… begging) for me to download the song “Call Me Maybe.” No doubt this is quite the catchy tune – I had been enjoying it with the rest of America myself. But now my 5 year old was on the floor, campaigning desperately for me to add it to our collection:

Annie: “Please Mommy!! I know ALL the words!”
Me: “I don’t know Anne. I don’t really like this song for you.”
Annie: “And I learned the whole dance!”
Me: “Annie, this song is kind of inappropriate.”
Annie: “I learned it at camp.” (And by this I believe she meant that it must be sanctioned).
Me: “Oh, hey….how about this Kidz Bop version?”
Annie: “Nooooo (defeated tears). I learned the whole thing and I want to show you.”
Me: “Arrrrgghhh…..Fine!”

The garage door opened as the song downloaded, and Annie raced to greet my husband at the door.

Annie: “Daddy come quick! This song is really un-appropriate. But you’re going to LOVE the dance!!”

I don’t know if I’d say that I loved the dance. It was awfully “mature.” I love the dancer and her determination, concentration and tenacity. But the dance left me feeling uncomfortable and not sure what I should do about it.  Should I say something to the camp directors? What would I even say that wouldn’t have me ignored as a fun-sucking, goody-two-shoe mom? Is the song really that inappropriate? Should I have held my ground at the downloading stand-off? I really don’t know…..“Call Me Maybe” may not be the most over-the-top with the mature messages or overly sexually explicit, but hearing those words sung by my 5 year-old did cause me to pause, yet, I really didn’t do anything about it.

Image credit: Live Science “Why 6 Year-Old Girls Want To Be Sexy”

I think some people would argue that it’s the parents’ responsibility to control the media and messages their children are exposed to. I also think most parents would argue – impossible! A recent study published in the journal Sex Roles found that when girls ages 6 to 9 years-old were shown images of sexy vs. trendy, but covered up dolls, 68% of the girls said the sexy doll looked how they wanted to look, and 72% said they believed the sexy doll was more popular than the non-sexy doll.  While these findings are alarming and upsetting, they may not be all together surprising. But what struck me as one of the most interesting parts of the study was that “low media consumption” was not a protective factor against early self-sexualization in girls. According to the synopsis in Live Science, authors of the study indicated that “mothers who reported often using TV and movies as teaching moments about bad behaviors and unrealistic scenarios were much less likely to have daughters who said they looked like the sexy doll.”

Assuming this applies to other negative messages and media sources our kids are exposed to, this disturbing study actually left me feeling less hopeless. So while I may have felt a bit defeated with my daughter’s un-appropriate performance of “Call Me Maybe,” I’m committed to taking better advantage of teachable moments with my kids (although I can’t promise I’ll be correcting the grammar).

Annie: “Can Sasha and Aaron be friends?”
Me: “Of course. Why?”
Annie: “Because Morgan and Sarah said she couldn’t be friends with a boy, but I said she could. So I was right, right mom?”
Me: “Right.”
Annie: [Big Smile]

Isn’t it great to get it right?!  ;)

Photo Credit: MS Office Images

In 2010, researchers at Penn State University wanted to see if purposefully making gender salient in preschool classrooms for two weeks would change kids’ attitudes about each other. They asked teachers to use gender specific language like, “Good morning boys and girls.” Or, “I need a girl to pass out markers.” They also asked teachers to physically organize their classrooms by gender with strategies such as creating girls’ and boys’ lines and displaying classroom work on separate girls’ and boys’ bulletin boards. While participating teachers were asked to make gender very prominent, they were also specifically instructed to treat each group equally and to avoid encouraging competition between boys and girls. What they discovered was that increasing the salience of gender in preschool classrooms resulted in children developing more highly gender-stereotyped attitudes and increased in-group and out-group bias (favoring one’s own gender group and avoiding the other gender group). All in just TWO WEEKS!

Time and again, research shows that the salience of “groups” (gender, race, eye color, t-shirt color…) in a child’s environment directly impacts the development and application of stereotypes and prejudices. The more conspicuous and prominent groups appear, the more likely it is that kids will attach unnecessary importance and meaning to these groups. And when it comes to gender, we adults often contribute to highlighting the categories of “boys” and “girls.” Now, I’m not suggesting we eliminate gender specific words or only speak in gender neutral terms, but I am suggesting that we challenge ourselves to avoid using gender when it isn’t necessary.  We can greet our kids in ways that reflect commonalities – “Good morning ___everyone, kiddos, folks, scholars, shining stars__.”  We can call upon kids in ways that highlight personal characteristics – “I need someone with ___an April birthday, a pet dog, laced shoes, the letter ‘o’ in their name__ to pass out markers.” And we can definitely come up with more creative groupings than “boys and girls.”

So in the spirit of two-week experiments, how about we challenge ourselves to a quick study of our own? Over the next few days (or even few hours), try to use gender labels as infrequently as possible. See how easy or difficult this proves to be, and report back! It might be challenging at first, but this test may become rewarding as you force yourself to be more creative with your language.

.

* Abstract – Differing Levels of Gender Salience in Preschool Classrooms: Effects on Children’s Gender Attitudes and Intergroup Bias Lacey J. Hilliard and Lynn S. Liben The Pennsylvania State University

image credit: Gerry Renert/Author

I love my iPad as an e-reader for myself, but until recently, I hadn’t found anything worth sharing with my kids in the way of children’s literature.  They weren’t very interested in hearing a story on the iPad when they could be frosting a cake or solving a puzzle. Well, that all changed with “Brave Rooney,” an interactive storybook by three-time EMMY nominated Kid’s TV writer Gerry Renert.

Beyond the great interactive features and animations offered in this storybook app, there is a great story – one that captures the challenge of “fitting in” and lends itself well to helping foster positive self-esteem.  This story tells the tale of Rooney, a young boy having a tough time as the new kid and only non-superhero at his new superhero school.  After weeks of trying to keep up with his superhero classmates, Rooney has his chance to shine with confidence and courage of a different kind.

Offering positive, non-stereotypical messages and images of bravery and heroes, this book provides wonderful examples and role models for young children. With imaginative and nonviolent superhero happenings, characters also demonstrate kindness, acceptance and the importance of celebrating differences.  In response to concerns over the narrow and detrimental portrayal of boys and masculinity in  pop culture,  Brave Rooney appears on the scene like a true superhero!

I had the opportunity to correspond with the author, Gerry Renert, and he had this to share:

At a time when the top grossing movie (for both kids and adults) is Marvel’s AVENGERS, it’s difficult to go up against something with that kind of popularity, fostered by the huge marketing dollars of a studio like Disney, but that is part of what I’m attempting to do.

As a child, I admittedly read every Superman comic I could, and watched the TV series daily.  But MY Superman was framed only as a fun character willing to go up against a silly, evil man.  He was not part of a cult or an aggressive role model to admire and aspire to, supported by every imaginable piece of kid’s merchandise.   When superhero characters of that time needed to defend themselves, they never resorted to the type of excessive, high-pitched violence seen in today’s movies.

That is the spirit I wrote BRAVE ROONEY in.  If it is well received, I plan to do more ROONEY storybook apps that continue to show kids the fallibility of superheroes and that every kid has a super skill within themselves that just needs discovering.

When so much of what I read and want to write about has to do with what’s wrong with today’s media, I’m so grateful to have “Brave Rooney” as an example of something right!  Definitely check out Mr. Renert fine work and spread the word. I know my kids and I would LOVE to hear more tales of Brave Rooney!

To interact with all the great animations within the storybook app, head to iTunes. You can also have “Brave Rooney” read to you at magicblox.com.

“Smile!”

At the ENT – and in an especially photogenic mood – my kids kept asking me to take their pictures. Happy to oblige, I snapped away on my phone as we waited for our turn.

“Smile!” instructed my 5 year-old. “Now make a sassy face.”

“What did you say?!”

It wasn’t that I missed what she said; I just need a minute to figure out what I should say…Unfortunately that stolen moment didn’t prepare me for her response:

“A sassy face is cute. That’s how you get boys to like you.”

“Make a sassy face.” WHAT?!

“WHAT?!! Where did you hear that?”

Why I asked her to name a responsible party I do not know. I realize this line of questioning was not productive, but it did buy me some more time. And while it may be irrelevant, I can tell you this – the mom of the “alleged culprit” would have fallen over faster than me if she had heard her own 5 year-old share the same sentiment.

So there we sat, blame cast on a sweet, unsuspecting 5 year-old, and I was still left scrambling for some way to address this wildly inappropriate comment. Needless to say, I was pretty relieved to be interrupted by the ENT.

20 minutes later, with tootsie pops in hand, we headed to the car, and I just had to ask:

“What were you saying about making a sassy face so boys will like you? I don’t understand.”

“Mom, when you’re sassy you do this.” She proceeded to walk ahead of me swinging her hips from side to side.

“Why would boys like you if you made a silly face or walked funny?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well….what do boys do that makes you like them?”

“They have good ideas.”

“Right. Well you have good ideas too. You always have something fun you want to do. You’re a creative, smart and nice kid. That’s why your buddies like you – girls AND boys.”

I desperately want my daughters to have healthy friendships with both boys and girls. I want them to enjoy their childhood as children – free of inappropriate, adult-themed nuances and downright wrong sexually explicit messages. In no way do I think it is remotely funny or cute to put a romantic twist on children’s friendships. Five-Years-Old! She is nowhere near developmentally ready to have romantic feelings – cognitively, emotionally, physically…..And for that matter, when she is, I hope she never, ever, ever thinks a relationship is about acting a certain way or doing “something” to get someone to like you. YIKES! I know I can’t filter all the messages my kids receive, so I best start preparing to respond to the unsavory ones now. So tell me – what would you have said???

So when we set-up shop at the splash pad, I knew there was no getting out of a trip into the bulk candy store located right in front of the play area. I happen to like candy as much as my little ones so it required very little persuading for me to agree to this treat. When we eventually made our way over to the shop, It’Sugar, my oldest daughter mentioned that she wanted to see “the ladies.” I didn’t know what she was talking about until we walked through the doors and I saw three racy manikins dressed in candy clothing. And I use the term “clothing” loosely here. I think one was meant to be in a bikini and the other two in lingerie. I recognize that it’s not everyday that my kids see people wearing candy, so I tried to focus on the novelty of the material, rather than the maturity and questionable appropriateness of it. But as we were paying and getting ready to leave, I couldn’t believe my eyes…So I snapped this picture on my phone and hustled the kids out the door.

Those little hands in the bottom right hand corner of the picture belong to my 5½ year old. Why am I allowing her to browse through the pornographic candy aisle?? I’m not! Those candy bars were lining the CHECK-OUT COUNTER!

These were at the check-out counter too:
And these (image from itsugar.com):

And this text was printed on everything- water bottles, cups, bags….(image from itsugar.com):

I was so upset when I left the store - mostly because I didn’t say something to the manager. So the next day I went back – without kids. When I expressed my concern over the fact that such adult themed candy was displayed right in the pathway of any kid walking into the store, the manager kindly acknowledged my concern but told me that while they are a “candy store” they’re merchandise is for kids and adults. When I mentioned that they were located right in front of a kids’ play area, he said “I see what you’re saying, but we didn’t have anything to do with the splash pad going into that location.”   When I asked him if the items located at the check-out counter could be moved to a more discrete area of the store, he told me “no.” He said he had no control over the location of merchandise and couldn’t move things around because those decisions came from “corporate.” He then encouraged me to contact them, which I did. You can read my email here, but all I really wanted to say was, “I don’t understand how you think this is okay.”

There are many researchers, journalists, child advocacy organizations and parents out there who are much better suited than I to speak about the hyper-sexualization we see in our culture today and the serious and negative consequences it has on our children. Awareness raised by these activists lead to the formation of the APA Task Force on the Sexualization of Girls and the creation of a comprehensive Executive Summary which acknowledges that “ample evidence indicates that sexualization has negative effects in a variety of domains, including cognitive functioning, physical and mental health, sexuality and attitudes and beliefs.”  You can check out the full report here, and I strongly recommend getting involved with the work of Peggy Orenstein, Melissa Wardy, SPARK a Movement, and Campaign for a Commercial Free Childhood (CCFC) – just to name a few.

But what I can say on behalf of myself and the work we are doing on the Sanford Harmony Program, is that overexposure to sexual images and ideas affects how girls and boys think about each other and greatly impacts relationships later on. In the words of Diane Levin -Professor of Education,  author of ‘So Sexy, So Soon,’ and  founding member of the CCFC – “the problem is not that children are learning about sex; the problem is what they are learning about relationships.”

We want our kids to develop healthy and innocent friendships as children – friendships that allow them to learn and grow while cultivating positive communication, problem solving and relational skills along the way. Feeding our young kids a steady dose of sexually explicit content will only make things tremendously difficult and impossibly uncomfortable for them to come together in healthy, balanced relationships. And while this issue seems daunting, we can affect change by putting into action some of the recommendations that came out of the APA report : Complain to manufacturers, advertisers, television and movie producers and retail stores that “sell sex” with their products targeting children, and support campaigns, companies and products that promote healthy and positive images of girls and boys.